learning moments

Have you ever been around someone who just kept sighing all day or saying things like, “Dear Lord…” or, “Oh goodness…” randomly? 

That was me this week. 

It’s that feeling you get when you’re preoccupied with a thought that keeps reoccurring in your mind; you finally forget it, only to remember it again. *sigh*

It’s embarrassing. 
It’s something you want to forget.
It’s something you don’t want to deal with.
It’s frustrating.

You keep asking yourself questions like

“Why does this have to happen to me?”
“Who would have known this would happen to me?”
“What do I do now?”
“How do I deal with this situation?”

I am in a very chaotic and confusing place in my life right now.
I am learning to accept the fact that this is it, and this is how it’s going to be.

It’s funny because I keep asking myself, “Why does this have to happen to me?” But in reality, I’ve always known it was going to happen to me.

I’m not meant to live the life that I want to live. And I think the sooner we all realize this, the sooner we can get on with it, and get it over with.

I’m going through this wonderful journey in my life right now where i am discovering what it’s like to have a voice.

You take your voice for granted because you developed it from a young age.

—You don’t understand how liberating it is for me to voice my opinions and to express my feelings. 

You were the one who pushed me to find my voice, always expressing that you want me to communicate better. But i find it so ironic that now that i’m learning how to do that, it’s one step forward, two steps back with you because you’re stifling my voice. 

Bringing this up is not a “scapegoat” for me, like you say it is. You say that i can’t always use this excuse forever… as if it doesn’t affect me. But i am just expressing how i feel. 

I was hoping you would help cultivate me in my journey, to really cultivate my growth in learning process; but now i really, truly feel that i need to do this by myself.

all it takes is a moment to breathe, and finally you can be at peace; even if it’s for a few moments, away from all the chaos.

finding center, and soaking in the presence of God.

Thank you, Lord, for being with me… always.

maybe it was a bad idea to have thai iced tea at 10:00pm.

do you ever go back to your old blogs from years back and read what you’ve posted?

isn’t it amazing sometimes, what we come up with? i often read something that i wrote years ago and ask myself why i don’t sound as smart now, as i did back then.

i miss going to school. i feel so dumb because i feel like i’m not learning anything.

anyway, tonight i was reading an old blog from years ago that belong to an unnamed person. reading it made me wonder how that person has changed in the last six years. it makes me wonder if that person still feels the same way about the things he wrote back then. i see some aspects of his life that are apparently important to him because i’ve read it, and i can still hear him telling me those same things now.

it makes me wonder how i’ve changed in the last six years…

unlike the person’s six-year old blog that i was reading tonight, my blogs are absolute trash. i really didn’t have anything intelligible to say. 

i was really shallow and i hated my parents. (now they’re not so bad…) ;)

i was so stubborn and cynical. 

i had/have so much anger.

so am i still cynical now? probably. but probably not as much.

i am, however, a more private person now, than i used to be. i like to keep to myself more now; showing a little reservation never really hurt anyone. i think i just hate the way media (specifically facebook) is exposing everyone’s lives. it made me feel so… violated, having my life open for everyone to prod through. (which is why i deleted my facebook accounts btw.)

anyway… i’d like to star blogging again. about real stuff. even if it’s small ponderings; i’d really like to get back into it again. 

good night.